Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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