your parents love me but you hate me
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I need to stop coming to work sober
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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