I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
