How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
