TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
