Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
