I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
