My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
