there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
