the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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