If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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