grandma shit on top of the toilet
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
