I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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