Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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