I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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