This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm like, not good at living.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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