I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
