i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
