You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
