There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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