We're facebook friends in real life
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
