Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
