you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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