Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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