I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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