Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
