ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
