Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
