dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
