That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
