just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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