how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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