Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
