shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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