my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
