Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
its liver damage thursday
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
