Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
