First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
