Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
