He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
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My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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