I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
In America we eat man semen.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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