I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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