I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
