WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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