you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
