people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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