THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
