Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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