mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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