I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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