He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
