I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
