my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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