It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
we have officially lost it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
