How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
