I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
