Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
