So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
