Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
