I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
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His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
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I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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