sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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