I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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