The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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