he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
